What My Baby Needs

I consider myself to be intelligent. I am educated, I LOVE to research topics that interest me, and I am open minded. I enjoy listening to what others have to say about their personal experiences, and I read. A lot. So when I found out I was pregnant, I knew that I had nine months to read, research, and learn about all there was to know about having a baby.

When I was 37 weeks pregnant, Luke decided it was time to come out. Lucky for me, because I was dreading another two weeks of swollen feet, trips to the bathroom every ten minutes and rolling myself off the couch. I had a birth plan that had been typed out and in my hospital bag for weeks. His nursery was ready. All I needed was my little boy in my arms, and my plans could start to unfold just as I had planned them.

What's that old saying about the best laid plans? Yeah, not so much. Luke's birth went fairly close to what I had planned in some respects, and other aspects of his birth couldn't have been further from my wildest dreams. But I will tell his birth story in another post. This is about Luke's needs.

We planned for our baby to sleep in his crib. He has a beautiful crib in his room that holds a 100% organic cotton mattress that cost five times what other mattresses cost. I was dead-set on giving him the best possible surface to sleep on because I didn't want him breathing in the chemicals that are present in typical mattresses. However, Luke has never slept one night in his crib. Having him in bed between Mike and I made so much more sense than making him sleep in his own room across the hall, no matter what kind of a mattress he had. Luke needs to be parented at night just like he is during the day. He needs to feel safe and secure and that's what we are doing by keeping him in bed with us.

We planned to take our baby for walks in his stroller. I of course spent hours researching which stroller would best fit our needs and ordered it! I pictured us going for long walks in the park, and walking through the stores pushing him. Luke has sat in his stroller maybe a total of three times. I had no idea that I would get a baby that refused to sit in his infant car seat from the age of three months on. I had no idea that I would get a baby who refused to ride in a stroller because he would rather be held. But I did get that baby. And the stroller is collecting dust in the garage. Luke needs me to hold him and carry him close to my body instead of separating myself from him by putting him in a stroller.

I thought we would have a baby that was sociable and loved to be held by anyone, because he has two parents who are very outgoing and sociable! But until he was six weeks old, Luke wouldn't even go to his daddy. He Only. Wanted. Me! It was both endearing and exhausting. Finally he started liking his dad, and will tolerate being held by a few other people for a few minutes at a time. But overall, Luke is very slow to warm up to strangers or generally anyone who isn't me. Luke needs to be close to me and Mike because that's where he feels safe and comfortable.

I planned to breastfeed my baby for three months, and at the end of those three months, I figured I would have enough milk pumped and frozen to feed him for another three months from a bottle. This is just laughable! I had no idea how the supply and demand of breastfeeding worked. I stopped pumping after a few weeks except in special situations. Luke hates drinking from a bottle. And we just passed six months of exclusive breastfeeding with no end in sight. It was HARD at first. Toe-curling pain and milk spraying everywhere wasn't what I had imagined. But we stuck with it, and we are are going strong. Luke needs to be provided with the best nutrition possible. He needs to be able to nurse for as long as necessary, like nature intended.

We planned to take our baby places. We planned to have our twice-monthly date nights. We planned to go to parties and the movies and to restaurants. The reality is that we have gone out ONCE in six months, and that was to a wedding that we were only at for four hours. Would I love some one-on-one time with my husband? Absolutely. But the time isn't right. Luke isn't ready for us to leave him with a sitter. Luke needs us to be with him day and night right now, while he is learning about his world.

I thought that I would take my baby to the store and to his grandparents houses and to visit friends. But Luke hates his carseat. (You can read all about it here.) Instead, we have spent most days and every night at home for the past three months. Luke and I don't go out while Mike is at school. I don't take him places by myself. For whatever reason, Luke isn't ready to ride in his carseat, and I am not going to force him. Luke needs me to sensitive to his inability to ride in the car right now.

I thought that I would enjoy being a parent, and that I would read some books, talk to some friends, and learn things along the way that would help me to be a better parent. And all of that is true. But I more than enjoy being a parent. It's my favorite thing ever. I have read so many parenting books. I have talked to so many people and I have spent so much time trying to learn all I can learn. Luke needs us to learn about him and his needs so that we can be the best parents possible.

I thought that I would fall in love with my baby, but I had no idea how my life would change to revolve around him. Luke is the best thing to ever happen to me and I can't imagine my life without him.

Before Luke was born, I was a typical Type A personality. I made lists. I planned out meals ahead of time. I scheduled everything. I set out to do something, and damnit I did it! But since Luke has been a part of my life, things have changed. I don't wake up at the same time every day. I don't go to sleep at the same time every day. Hell, I barely sleep. I try to get to the laundry, but if it doesn't get done, oh well. I try to plan our meals but some nights it just doesn't happen. I don't have the life I once had, and I am ok with that. Right now, Luke needs me to be present with him. He needs me to live in the moment and understand that life is unpredictable, especially with a baby. Luke doesn't need lists and schedules and plans. He needs to eat, to sleep, and to learn. And that's what my life is dedicated to these days. Because that's what my baby needs.

The Dreaded Carseat

Luke hates his carseat. I could just end this post right now, because that is the bottom line. There is no question in my mind how he feels about it, and he will share his feelings with anyone who wants to know whether he likes it or not.  I'm not even sure that hate is the right word for it...what is a word stronger than hate? Despise? Abhor? Well all of those words apply to Luke's feelings towards the carseat.

When he was a newborn, I could put him in the infant carrier and he would fall asleep while driving. I was able to go to the grocery store, the mall, the park...you name it, we went there. After he was about two months old and no longer falling asleep every time we got in the car, I noticed that he was becoming a little fussy when I strapped him into his seat. Over the past 4 months, his fussiness has turned into an all out screaming, crying, hyperventilating hatred of his seat. It has become so bad that I refuse to travel alone with him. (Which presents an interesting dilemma since Mike is at school four nights a week for a minimum of 4 hours at a time).

I am stressed out about this. I love my child and I love spending every minute with him that I can. But it gets damn boring to sit at home night after night by ourselves! I am at a loss for what to do to get Luke into his seat and travel with him from point A to point B safely. Do you know what happened last week when I tried to take him to my parents' house ten minutes away? I ended up driving with him on my lap. Yep, that's right. On. My. Fucking. Lap. I am not proud of it and I don't ever want it to happen again. But after two minutes of him screaming and with tears running down my cheeks, I didn't know what else to do. It was a disaster.

I'm not totally sure why he dislikes the carseat so much, but I believe it's because it requires him to sit still. My child doesn't sit still. Ever. Not on my lap, not on the floor, not on the couch. So why would he do it in the car? That's right. He won't. I have run out of options for trying to trick him into sitting there, even for 2 minutes. We have given him every toy he owns. We have played music. We have sang to him. We have put all the windows down. We have given him a mirror. We have tried having one of us sitting in the back next to him. We have tried talking to him about it and being matter-of-fact about what needed to happen (which is almost asinine to try to reason with a six month old, but I'm desperate here, remember?) We have tried putting the carseat facing forwards, and we have tried putting it in the front seat. I have even resorted to bringing the damn thing inside and "practicing" with him in the comfort of the family room. Nothing fucking works! As soon as we set him down in the seat he starts crying. Which quickly escalates to screaming, howling and then choking/gasping for air/vomiting. That's all in a matter of about one minute. And I refuse to let it go on any longer than that.

Now I know what you are thinking....just put him in the seat, buckle it up, and go. Right? Well that is not an option. I refuse to force my child into a situation that requires him to scream, cry, and vomit on himself. I don't believe in letting him cry it out and to deal with his big overwhelming feelings on his own. So that option isn't even an option. (Not to mention that listening to my child scream and cry is physically painful for me and then I end up in tears too). Not happening. So here we are, hanging out together every night at home. And as much as it sucks to not be able to go anywhere, I know that in time, he will be able to sit in the carseat while I drive. I know that as he gets older, I will be able to reason with him to let him know that it is only temporary, and that he won't be stuck in that black fuzzy seat forever. But until that time comes, I am forced to wait patiently at home. I don't want to rush Luke into growing up too quickly, and I am enjoying him every day for who he is on that day and in each moment. But selfishly, this is one stage that I could do without.