What My Baby Needs

I consider myself to be intelligent. I am educated, I LOVE to research topics that interest me, and I am open minded. I enjoy listening to what others have to say about their personal experiences, and I read. A lot. So when I found out I was pregnant, I knew that I had nine months to read, research, and learn about all there was to know about having a baby.

When I was 37 weeks pregnant, Luke decided it was time to come out. Lucky for me, because I was dreading another two weeks of swollen feet, trips to the bathroom every ten minutes and rolling myself off the couch. I had a birth plan that had been typed out and in my hospital bag for weeks. His nursery was ready. All I needed was my little boy in my arms, and my plans could start to unfold just as I had planned them.

What's that old saying about the best laid plans? Yeah, not so much. Luke's birth went fairly close to what I had planned in some respects, and other aspects of his birth couldn't have been further from my wildest dreams. But I will tell his birth story in another post. This is about Luke's needs.

We planned for our baby to sleep in his crib. He has a beautiful crib in his room that holds a 100% organic cotton mattress that cost five times what other mattresses cost. I was dead-set on giving him the best possible surface to sleep on because I didn't want him breathing in the chemicals that are present in typical mattresses. However, Luke has never slept one night in his crib. Having him in bed between Mike and I made so much more sense than making him sleep in his own room across the hall, no matter what kind of a mattress he had. Luke needs to be parented at night just like he is during the day. He needs to feel safe and secure and that's what we are doing by keeping him in bed with us.

We planned to take our baby for walks in his stroller. I of course spent hours researching which stroller would best fit our needs and ordered it! I pictured us going for long walks in the park, and walking through the stores pushing him. Luke has sat in his stroller maybe a total of three times. I had no idea that I would get a baby that refused to sit in his infant car seat from the age of three months on. I had no idea that I would get a baby who refused to ride in a stroller because he would rather be held. But I did get that baby. And the stroller is collecting dust in the garage. Luke needs me to hold him and carry him close to my body instead of separating myself from him by putting him in a stroller.

I thought we would have a baby that was sociable and loved to be held by anyone, because he has two parents who are very outgoing and sociable! But until he was six weeks old, Luke wouldn't even go to his daddy. He Only. Wanted. Me! It was both endearing and exhausting. Finally he started liking his dad, and will tolerate being held by a few other people for a few minutes at a time. But overall, Luke is very slow to warm up to strangers or generally anyone who isn't me. Luke needs to be close to me and Mike because that's where he feels safe and comfortable.

I planned to breastfeed my baby for three months, and at the end of those three months, I figured I would have enough milk pumped and frozen to feed him for another three months from a bottle. This is just laughable! I had no idea how the supply and demand of breastfeeding worked. I stopped pumping after a few weeks except in special situations. Luke hates drinking from a bottle. And we just passed six months of exclusive breastfeeding with no end in sight. It was HARD at first. Toe-curling pain and milk spraying everywhere wasn't what I had imagined. But we stuck with it, and we are are going strong. Luke needs to be provided with the best nutrition possible. He needs to be able to nurse for as long as necessary, like nature intended.

We planned to take our baby places. We planned to have our twice-monthly date nights. We planned to go to parties and the movies and to restaurants. The reality is that we have gone out ONCE in six months, and that was to a wedding that we were only at for four hours. Would I love some one-on-one time with my husband? Absolutely. But the time isn't right. Luke isn't ready for us to leave him with a sitter. Luke needs us to be with him day and night right now, while he is learning about his world.

I thought that I would take my baby to the store and to his grandparents houses and to visit friends. But Luke hates his carseat. (You can read all about it here.) Instead, we have spent most days and every night at home for the past three months. Luke and I don't go out while Mike is at school. I don't take him places by myself. For whatever reason, Luke isn't ready to ride in his carseat, and I am not going to force him. Luke needs me to sensitive to his inability to ride in the car right now.

I thought that I would enjoy being a parent, and that I would read some books, talk to some friends, and learn things along the way that would help me to be a better parent. And all of that is true. But I more than enjoy being a parent. It's my favorite thing ever. I have read so many parenting books. I have talked to so many people and I have spent so much time trying to learn all I can learn. Luke needs us to learn about him and his needs so that we can be the best parents possible.

I thought that I would fall in love with my baby, but I had no idea how my life would change to revolve around him. Luke is the best thing to ever happen to me and I can't imagine my life without him.

Before Luke was born, I was a typical Type A personality. I made lists. I planned out meals ahead of time. I scheduled everything. I set out to do something, and damnit I did it! But since Luke has been a part of my life, things have changed. I don't wake up at the same time every day. I don't go to sleep at the same time every day. Hell, I barely sleep. I try to get to the laundry, but if it doesn't get done, oh well. I try to plan our meals but some nights it just doesn't happen. I don't have the life I once had, and I am ok with that. Right now, Luke needs me to be present with him. He needs me to live in the moment and understand that life is unpredictable, especially with a baby. Luke doesn't need lists and schedules and plans. He needs to eat, to sleep, and to learn. And that's what my life is dedicated to these days. Because that's what my baby needs.

Our Family Bed

From the minute Luke was born, he all but refused to sleep on his back. Literally the minute he was cleaned, swaddled and put on his back in the bassinet at the hospital, he started to cry. When we would pick him up and hold him, he was fine. Lay him on his back...tears. Ok, so we have a belly sleeper. No big deal other than that you are made to believe that if you put your baby on his belly, he will surely die from SIDS. So we were conflicted. He wouldn't nap or sleep on his back. So we ended up either holding him for every nap or trying to prop him on his side. Didn't make for awesome naptimes. And that brings me to nighttime.

I thought we would bring the baby home from the hospital, rock him to sleep at night, and put him in his crib (to sleep on the 300 dollar organic, chemical-free mattress we bought him.) He would sleep there for a few hours, wake up and need to eat, and then go back to sleep until morning. WRONG AGAIN. L to this day has never slept in his crib. Not once. Oh, we tried, don't get me wrong. We tried ALL night the first night he was home. He wasn't having it. After nursing him, I would rock him, then put him in his crib. I would tiptoe back to bed, fall asleep immediately, and after 15 minutes, he would wake up crying. I had to get up and start the whole process over again. I was exhausted. We were exhausted. Since we flat-out reject the Cry-It-Out method as a way of getting our baby to sleep, we didn't know what to do. The second night, we tried laying him down in the bassinet next to our bed. On his side. Nope. On his back. Nope. Sleep-deprived and desperate, I layed him in our bed, between us. He fell asleep and stayed that way for two hours. Two glorious hours!

The next morning, I started my journey onto researching alternative sleeping arrangements. I learned that there were two terms. One was co-sleeping, which meant that you share a room with the baby, basically. Baby might be in his or her crib, but the crib is in your room. Or the baby might be in a bassinet or a cradle, but you are sleeping in the same room. The other term was bed-sharing, which is obviously sharing the same bed with your baby. I spent hours reading everything I could about bed-sharing. I watched videos, listened to podcasts, and read articles about the pros and cons. And my eyes were opened to an entirely new way of thinking about a topic that I had only heard negative things about in the past. All I knew before was that it was dangerous because you could roll onto your baby and kill them. Mainstream media will have you believe that babies must be taught to sleep in a room away from their parents. That they need to learn as soon as possible that they sleep in their crib by themselves. However, this goes against scientific research. Believe it or not, babies are actually hard-wired to sleep by their parents!



Let's pretend we are back in cavemen times (I am fully aware that we are not). But during those times, babies needed to be quiet at night because they did not want to attract predators. They needed to stay close to their parents because if they didn't, they would be eaten by wild animals! Well babies nowadays, although we have matured and evolved, still have the same instincts. It's no secret that most babies sleep better next to their parents in the early months than by themselves. They are designed that way. It all makes so much sense.

Mike and I talked about it. Were we ok with having a baby in bed with us? Yep. Did we think we could roll over onto him and suffocate him? Not a chance. Anyone who has a newborn knows that sleep in those early days, weeks and months is not the same as the sleep you are used to having. Your body becomes attuned to every noise baby makes. You literally almost sleep with one eye open. And unless you are drunk, on drugs, or massively overweight to the point that you can't feel certain parts of your body, I have no idea how you could roll onto your child and crush them without knowing it. Did we feel like having a baby in bed would interrupt our "couple time?" Maybe, but in all honesty, we have been together for seven years. We are past the spooning phase. We are past the falling asleep in eachothers arms phase. We JUST had a baby and between being exhausted, bleeding, having stitches and being covered in spit-up, there certainly wasn't any x-rated activity going on in the bed. So there really wasn't anything stopping us from having L sleep with us. We decided we would try it. And we have been bed-sharing ever since.

Luke is not much of a sleeper, but he certainly sleeps FAR better in our bed than he would in his crib. I can easily nurse him when he needs to eat without having to get out of bed. And if he startles or fusses, we are right there to calm him before it escalates. I know the critics say "oh, if you let baby sleep in your bed you will spoil them," or "baby will never want to sleep in their own bed," but I think those arguments are ridiculous. We believe that a baby cannot be spoiled. We want Luke to know that we are there to soothe him whenever he needs it, day or night. And I don't know any teenagers that are still sharing a bed with their parents. So clearly, at some point, the child will not be in our bed anymore. Until that time comes, we are bed-sharing and proud of it! I learned so much through all of my research. I am positive that all three of us sleep far better together than we do apart. And although I would have never ever believed that we would be sharing our bed with our baby, I am so glad we are.

For more information, you can read a great article about cosleeping here.