Elimination Comunication-An Update

Today is a day that I imagine all parents look forward to. The day that they can officially declare their child "potty trained". In our case, I like to refer to it as "potty-learned," because I did not "train" my son to do anything. He learned where to eliminate. And he learned it in his 17.5 short months of life.

I am beyond proud. Not only of my son, but of myself as well. Deciding to practice Elimination Communication with my son was not a popular choice, nor was it one that was understood by most of our friends and family. We got strange looks and even stranger comments. Someone accused me of being a "potty-training gestapo". I know that everyone thought I was wasting my time. They snickered behind my back and rolled their eyes. They called me crazy and said that children just can't possibly learn to use a toilet before "they are ready", which presumably is at age 2, 3, or 4, right?

I am here to tell you that is wrong. There are many, many people in the world who practice Elimination Communication with their children. (Of course it isn't very popular in the US, because here, we are all about marketing and big business and convincing parents that their children just aren't ready to learn to use a toilet.) But just because the media tells us something, doesn't mean it is the truth. The truth is this: children are born knowing how to communicate their needs. Sure, they can't use words. But they have looks and signals and cues. We all know how to pick up on a baby being tired or hungry...why not tune in to them telling us they need to eliminate? The signs are there. We just need to see them!

I decided before Luke was born that I wanted him to be able to have a choice about where he went to the bathroom. My early childhood education schooling taught me that it is harder to un-learn a behavior than to learn it in the first place. Why, I thought, do kids have to learn to pee and poop in their diapers, and then try to undo it? At age 2 or 3 or 4, they have plenty of other things going on that require their attention and energy. Trying to un-learn a behavior is just plain tough for most kids at that age. 

So here we are, after 17 months of learning cues and making progress, taking steps backwards and questioning the journey...and it happened. He got it. It all clicked. My child is officially done with diapers. 

There were many many times that I questioned myself and wondered if I was really crazy. Was I taking things too far? Was I expecting too much? Maybe the media was right...children need to be in diapers for years. Maybe my friends and family knew better than me. Maybe I was being too optimistic. 

But we kept going. I kept offering Luke a place to pee other than his diaper. Every single time he has woken up from sleeping, for his entire life, I have held him over the toilet. And he has learned that we use toilets to eliminate. I have stopped the car in parking lots so he could go. I have been in more public bathrooms than I can remember, holding him under one arm, trying not to touch anything while I pulled his pants and diaper off so he could try to go, and then trying to get him re-dressed in a space that was way too small for shenanigans like that. But it was worth it to me. Every single time. 

I trusted that by following his cues, instead of ignoring them, I would be meeting one of his most basic needs and  not encouraging a behavior that he would have to un-learn in a few months. Since about 6 months, when he would pee or poop, I would show him the sign for potty. He started signing it himself around 8 months, although not consistently. There were days when he would go for hours with no "misses" because we were very in tune. And there were other days when I would literally miss every one of his cues, or he wouldn't give them. Those days were frustrating, but I reminded myself that it was about the journey, not the destination. 

I never scolded Luke for eliminating in a diaper. Ever. We never rewarded him for using a toilet. Ever. It has always been just about teaching him where to go. And at 17.5 months, both day and night, he signs for potty and either runs to his own little potty or runs to the adult toilet for me to hold him over. We have gone to the store, the farm and the library. We have traveled in the car, gone on walks, and gone grocery shopping. Diaperless. And damn proud. Because everyone said we couldn't do it. And we proved what I knew all along. Yes we can. 

Kids are SO smart and in tune. As adults, we really just need to learn to pick up on what they are telling us. If you are practicing elimination communication and feeling discouraged, don't give up. You are doing an amazing service to your child by tuning into their needs. One day, it will just click and all of your wondering will be validated. It's sad that there isn't more support in this country for people practicing EC. Kids can be diaper free way before age 2. It's possible. You can do it, and they can do it. Give it a try. What do you have to lose? 

Planning On No Plan

I have learned many things during the past 16 months as a mama. I have changed many of my ways, which I believe has been for the better, although it hasn't always been easy. 

Prior to having my son, I was pretty rigid. Spontaneous wasn't a word that most people would have used to describe me. I didn't need or want to be. I enjoyed the comfortability of  making a plan and executing it. 

And then I became a mother. And my life changed. Drastically. I might make a plan for the day, but I also plan to scrap the plan. Wake up times vary. Inevitably, on the days we have something to do early on, Luke sleeps until 8 and then we have to rush a bit. On days that we have nothing to do and it is gloomy and cold, he wakes at 6. While I may sigh and wish I had an extra hour or so snuggled under the covers, waking to the sweet face of my baby next to me makes it impossible to be upset. 

Nap times vary. Most days, he naps from 11ish to 12ish. Some days, like today, he wakes at 8, and doesn't nap until 1230. Bedtimes vary. Most days, he goes to sleep for the night at 7. Some nights, he is exhausted and ready for bed at 6. And other days, I can't get him to even consider bedtime before 9. 

It is what it is. Just as we, as adults, do different things on different days, so do our children. I don't expect Luke to fall asleep at 11am on the dot every day. I want him to be able to nap when he needs to nap. Even if that means that I have to be very flexible with my "plan" for the day. 

But what about a routine?! I love the idea of a routine. If I could schedule my time to the minute, I would. But as a stay at home mom to a toddler, routine is now a very loose term. I like to consider our routine to be: wake up, breakfast, nap, lunch, dinner and then bed. In between all those times, we play, explore, read, sing, dance, run, climb, paint, jump, laugh and love. 

I don't need to be so caught up in the idea of a routine that it becomes a negative concept. So we just go with the flow. There are lots of deep breaths in our house, lots of shrugs, and lots of choices to say "it is what it is". 

For us, planning to have no plan is what works best. 

To All the Breastfeeding Mamas

To all the breastfeeding mamas,

In honor of World Breastfeeding Week, I want to thank you. 

Thank you for breastfeeding your child. Thank you for making that choice, on the day your child was born, to give it a go. Thank you for deciding to breastfeed  without knowing how well you would do, or how well your baby would do. To each and every one of you who decided that you would at least give it a try, I want you to know that I appreciate you. 

To the mamas who dealt with the pain, the irritation, the soreness. The toe-curling agony that sometimes happens in the early days of not-so-good latches. Thank you. For those of you who battled thrush and mastitis and plugged ducts, thank you for persevering. Breastfeeding wasn't supposed to be painful, was it? But sometimes it is. And we push through that because we have to. Our babies need us to. 

To the mamas who pumped and bottled your milk in the first hours and days and maybe even weeks because your baby was in the NICU and unable to lay on your chest and nurse, thank you so much. If your child could thank you, he or she would. Because you made all the difference in your baby's growth and development. You made your child strong. Your child thrived because of you. 

To the moms with a baby who didnt latch right away, thank you for your willingness to keep trying. Thank you for holding your baby and offering your breast so many times a day. More times than you could have imagined. Thank you for being persistent. Your baby was a late bloomer and just needed an extra nudge in the right direction. You did it. You kept trying and finally, your baby latched. Thank you for being persistent. It made all the difference in the world. 

To the mothers who had a rough start wih breastfeeding, thank you. Maybe you were misinformed or not informed enough. Maybe a nurse slipped your child some formula or your doctor made you feel like it was necessary to supplement. Thank you for working so hard to establish your supply and stop feeding your child formula. Thank you for trusting that you could do it without supplementing. 

To the mamas who do now, or have had to use a nipple shield to feed your baby, thank you. Your breasts were supposed to be able to do this on their own, weren't they? You weren't planning to have to carry around and clean and position the shield on your breasts every time you wanted to nurse because of flat or inverted nipples. But you did. Instead of blaming yourself, you tried breastfeeding with a shield. And you fed your baby. Maybe you were able to wean from the shield; maybe not. It doesn't matter really...you overcame an obstacle so that you could breastfeed your child. Thank you. 

To the mamas who haven't had much support from family and friends. I support you. Thank you for making a choice for yourself and your baby even if it wasn't the popular choice, because it truly was the best choice. Thank you for breastfeeding your child despite what others said. I know it isn't always easy to breastfeed and there are times when it would mean so much to hear someone tell you they understand, and they are proud of you. Let me say it now. I understand, and I am proud of you. 

To any mother who was nervous or scared or uneasy about breastfeeding. To those moms who weren't sure if you could do it. Thank you so much for deciding to try. Thank you for trusting your body. And your baby. And for making it work. 

To the mamas that have been on the receiving end of a hateful comment or a nasty look. For those of you who have endured stares from rude strangers at the mall or the park. To anyone who has felt uncomfortable or uneasy while breastfeeding in public...thank you. I am so appreciative of every mother who nurses in a public place. The more it is seen, the closer we are to it being accepted as the normal way to feed a baby. Keep feeding your baby. And be proud. You're helping to normalize it. 

To the mamas who have decided to allow your child to wean when ready, thank you.  Full-term breastfeeding is so selfless. It's an amazing expression of love for your child. Pure, unconditional love. Thank you for sticking with it during the good times and the tough times because you knew it was important to your child. Thank you for persisting even when you felt touched out and like your breasts were no longer your own. Thank you for letting your child lead the way. 

To all of the mothers, past and present who have chosen to give their child the gift of a breastfeeding relationship, thank you. From the bottom of my heart, I am so proud of you. I am thankful to have the opportunity to breastfeed my own child. It is, quite honestly, the most important thing I have ever chosen to do. And I am so fortunate to be a part of such a wonderful group of women across the world who all have this one thing in common. 

Breastfeeding has allowed me not only to feel close to my baby, but to so many other women across this earth. I appreciate you all. Thank you for choosing to breastfeed.  

No Schedules For Us!

My son taught me early on that schedules were not our friend. This came as a huge shock to me for a few reasons. 1.) I have a Master's Degree in Education. I have ten years of experience working in schools and daycares. The general consensus is: Kids thrive on schedules and should adhere to a schedule as often as possible for their own good. 2.) I am your prototypical Type A personality. I was, anyways. I made to-do lists and I got them done! I scheduled as much of my day as possible and I actually felt anxiety if something went astray or not according to plan.

And then I had Luke. From the moment he was born, he was determined to teach me that I could forget my beloved schedules because he wouldn't be operating on one. Ever. I remember those early days...charting his naps and elimination schedule. It was all over the place. Naps were never at the same time of day, and they were never for the same amount of time. From one day to the next, there were no similarities. I kept telling myself that he just wasn't there yet. He would get there. His schedule would fall into place sooner or later. Except that as of today, he is 14 months old. And he has no schedule. None at all. Luke's schedule goes something like this: he will wake up somewhere between 6 and 8. And he will nap somewhere between 1030 and 1, and his nap may last 45 minutes, or it may last 2 hours. And then he will go to sleep somewhere between 6 and 10. He has never slept through the night. He wakes when he needs to, whether it be for comfort or nourishment. I don't consider that much of a schedule. But I don't care.

Because I am letting Luke lead the way. I haven't tried to change him. I haven't tried to make him sleep when he doesn't want to sleep. I haven't gotten angry at him for waking up an hour earlier than I was hoping he would. I have worked hard to remind myself day after day that Luke is his own person. He is young and small, but he is no less of a person that I am. And he deserves to have the chance to figure out life on his own terms. Do I let Luke make every decision for himself? Of course not. Am I a permissive parent raising a spoiled brat? Absolutely not. But trying to wrestle him into a crib to sleep at a certain time of day, or purposely keeping him awake so that he can be on some schedule that I decide is necessary seems silly to me.

 My son is a securely attached toddler with a mama who is doing her best to foster his personality instead of trying to change it to accommodate my desires. I let Luke tell me when he is tired. I watch for his cues and I respond to them. Isn't that what parenting is all about?

Don't Rush Your Babes

Shortly after a baby is born, the critiquing begins. No, I'm not talking about the questions about his eye color, or the guessing game about whether he looks more like mom or dad. I'm talking about the constant "what's he doing now" questions that plague a baby from the minute he is born.

Here's how it goes: Baby is born. Everyone wants to see him open his eyes. Why? Why not just enjoy the baby with his eyes closed? He looks so peaceful and content with his eyes closed. He has plenty of time to open his eyes and look around at the world around him. Right now, his eyes are closed and that's ok.

Next, people want to know if baby is sleeping through the night. Why? Why would a tiny baby sleep through the night? Babies are not made to sleep for hours on end by themselves in the dark without their mamas. That contradicts their biological makeup. But everyone asks. "How long is baby sleeping? Are you getting enough sleep? Is he sleeping through the night like a good boy yet?" A baby will sleep through the night when he is ready. It may be at a few months of age, or it may be at a few years of age. If a baby isn't forced to sleep longer than he normally would, either by force-feeding him more milk than usual, or by putting cereal in a bottle (I can't believe any idiot would do that, but it happens) or by being forced to Cry It Out, then in a majority of cases, the baby will frequently wake through the night for at least the first year of life. Of course there are exceptions, but most babies wake. Baby will sleep through the night when he is ready.

Then people start asking if the baby is rolling over and eventually, sitting up. Soon after that, the questions are about crawling. And then walking. And then it becomes "what's he eating now?" And then everyone asks if he is talking. And the questions about breastfeeding are thrown in there..."you're not still breastfeeding him, are you?"

This madness needs to stop. A baby is only a baby once. He only spends a small amount of time not knowing how to roll over or sit up. What's the rush to learn? He will get there! A baby only crawls for a short period of time in his life. Why does he have to be rushed into walking? A baby only makes those adorable coos and babbles for a short time in his life. He will learn to talk when he is ready. Why is he rushed into talking?

When we are constantly asking "what's he doing now?" with a hopeful frame of mind...hopeful that our baby is at some developmental milestone that our pediatrician or the internet tells us he should be at at a certain age, we are perpetuating the cycle of rushing the baby to grow up faster. It makes no sense really; people are always complaining and gushing about how sad they are that their child is growing so fast, yet they are always looking forward to the next stage that their child will enter.

Take a step back, look at your beautiful child, and enjoy him or her. Right now, today, at whatever stage he or she may be at. They will only be this person that they are today for such a short time. There is no need to rush them into something they aren't. Enjoy what your baby is doing right now. Because before you know it, he will have moved on to something new, and you won't get this stage back.

My High Needs Baby

This is hard for me to write, because I feel like I am complaining about my child in some way. I feel like by pointing out how he is different, I am implying that different is wrong. That isn't my intention. Everything about Luke is right. His green eyes, the way his hair smells, the dimples in the top of his
hands, his crooked smile...it's all right. Luke's personality is just that. HIS personality. It is no more wrong than any part of my personality is wrong. It's just different, and it happens to be different from the majority. What am I talking about? Luke is a "high needs" baby. Not to be confused with "special needs" which seems to be the politically correct way to describe children with disabilities these days. Luke doesn't have disabilities. He has intense needs.

I am not one for labels. I didn't use to be, anyways. I don't like the concept of having to fit into a box. I dislike standards and rules and "shoulds". But about 2 months after Luke was born, I found myself searching for information..something that I could apply to Luke. Some way that I could label him. I sought the comfortability of being able to identify with others. I wanted to find out if there were other babies like mine. Because Luke isn't like any of my friends babies.

I came across Dr. Sears' website which had a list of qualities associated with a "high needs" baby. I had never heard the term. But as I read through the list, I cried. I called my husband over. We read the list together with our mouths open. Luke had every single trait of the 12 listed. (You can see the list here). We weren't alone. There were other children out there like our baby. It was enlightening and so exciting. If you don't have a high needs child, you probably don't know what that means. So let me explain. Here are the qualities associated with a high-needs child. All babies have some of these traits some of the time. Some babies may even have some of these traits all of the time. My baby has all of these traits, all of the time.

1.) Intense - everything with Luke is dramatic and over the top. He laughs louder, he plays harder, he thinks more intently, he persists longer. He is intense!

2.) Hyperactive - Luke doesn't sit still. Ever. He never has. I have never sat on the couch with Luke to cuddle. Not once. The only time we have sat still together is when he is asleep. And he only falls asleep nursing in bed or if he's being walked around for what feels like hours.

3.) Draining - Parenting Luke feels like I am in a pool of water with a cinder block tied to my ankle. I can keep my head above water just enough to breathe, but there is a constant weight pulling me down. It doesn't feel wrong or bothersome, because this has been life with Luke since the day he was born. But it's impossible to relax or get ahead. I am so thankful to have my husband. Without him, my house would be a disaster and I would be eating crackers for dinner every day.

4.) Feeds frequently- This is easy to explain. I have breastfed Luke every 2-3 hours all day and night for 10 straight months. Let that sink in. All. Day. And. Night.

5.) Demanding - Luke knows what he wants. He always has. When he is tired, he lets us know. When he is hungry, I better be ready to nurse. When he wants to play, he is very enthusiastic and obvious about it. And when he's bored, he will cry until you do something else. He is a smart, smart baby. And as long as we meet his demands, we are all happy.

6.) Unsatisfied - Luke isn't happy with the same thing all the time. One day, he may want to be worn in a sling for hours at a time. The next day, he will refuse the sling because he wants to be carried in my arms. One day he will want to nurse sitting up, and the day after that he will refuse the breast unless he's lying down. There is no getting complacent with my little man.

7.) Awakens frequently- I'm not even sure what "frequently" even means anymore. Luke nurses every 2-3 hours all night long. I unplugged the alarm clock and stopped checking my phone a long time ago. I tell myself in the middle of the night that it has been 6 hours since the last time I woke. But I'm lying. Luke never really gets into a deep sleep. As an infant he would startle himself awake constantly. Now, the sound of me scratching my leg will wake him. He is the opposite of a heavy sleeper. He is in our bed for this exact reason. Can you imagine getting out of bed and walking to his crib 7 times a night? Um, no. All I have to do is roll over and nurse.

8.) Unpredictable- Luke has mood swings. When he is happy, he is a joy to be around. His smile can light up a room. I have had numerous people come up to me in stores and mention how he has the most endearing smile or how his laugh is infectious. It's true. On the contrary, when Luke is mad or upset, look out. He will scream at the top of his lungs. He will throw himself on the floor. He will cry until he almost passes out. And his mood changes instantaneously.

9.) Super sensitive - Mike and I joke that Luke has his daddy's temper and my emotions. I am not sure that's the best possible combination...haha. My husband and I balance eachother out. But Luke is both of us put together. If you so much as cross your eyes at Luke, he will burst into tears. If you raise your voice or speak to him in a stern tone, his lip will quiver until he breaks down sobbing. He gets his feelings hurt VERY easily.

10.) Can't be put down - Ah yes...my child loves to be held. Loves it with a passion. He prefers to be carried than to sit by himself. At all times. Riding in a stroller? Forget it. Sitting in a cart? Nope. Swings, bouncy seats and cribs, be damned. My baby wants to be held.When he was a baby, he refused to sleep by himself. I was told to swaddle him, to put him in warm pajamas, to leave him in just a diaper, to rub his back, to sing to him, to rock him....None.Of.That.Worked. The ONLY way he would sleep was on my chest. And so we became bedsharers. We love it now. But we weren't planning on it!

11.) Not a self soother - What does this even mean? That a baby can fall asleep on his own? Not Luke. That a baby can stop crying on his own if he becomes upset? Not Luke. That a baby can entertain himself in a swing, in a pack 'n play, in a saucer, or in a bouncy seat? Not Luke. He will sit for 15 seconds and then start screaming. He wants to be held. See number 10 above.

12.) Separation sensitive - Luke hates to be away from me. Or maybe just from my boobs. Actually, I think he might think that I AM a walking boob. I left Luke one time, when he was 6 weeks old, to go to my best friend's wedding. We were gone for 5 hours. The longest I have been away from him other than that is 2 hours. In 10 months. And that has to be a perfectly timed 2 hours. It has to be right when he wakes up, and he has to nurse before I go. Otherwise he will melt down and scream, cry, vomit and almost pass out until I return. It is SO not worth it for me to leave him.

My child is a "handful" by many people's standards. He isn't a "normal" baby. He refuses to  ride in a carseat because it requires him to sit still. People tell me to just strap him in and turn up the radio. No thanks. Besides the fact that it is physically painful to listen to him cry, he will scream and thrash around until he vomits, and then he will keep crying, almost to the point of passing out. I don't need to go anywhere so bad that I will force my child to puke on himself. I carry him all day long. My back hurts. My arms hurt. I miss hanging out with my friends. Shit, I miss having adult interaction!

My marriage has been strained. Having my child attached to me all day and night isn't glamorous, sexy or inviting. Luke doesn't want to go to Mike very often, although sometimes he will. It breaks my heart to hand Luke to his daddy only to have him burst into tears and reach out for me. I hate to see him cry but I also hate to see the hurt in my husbands eyes. He knows this won't last forever...but it still sucks and I get that. We have had no time to ourselves since Luke was born. I remind myself that there will be a day when Luke is out on his own, and we find ourselves wishing he was at home, begging for our attention.  So we don't complain.

Having a high needs baby wasn't what we planned. It is stressful and draining for sure. But Luke is Luke. He is sure of himself. He is confident in what he wants. He is passionate. He loves deeply. He is enthusiastic. He is the love of my life. I never knew that I could love something as much as I love him. And I wouldn't want him to be any other way. I am so glad I get to be Luke's mama. He teaches me about life and about myself every day. Having a high needs baby isn't bad, it's just different.

Changes

Before I had Luke, I was the typical Type A personality. I made lists, and I crossed things off as they were accomplished. I was organized. I was on time (I was early, usually). My closet was organized by color. I woke up and met each new day with a desire to accomplish as much as possible. I made phone calls. I went places. I bought things. I wrote emails. I sent texts and cards. I danced around the living room to country music. I kept in touch with all of my friends. I cooked, I cleaned and I rearranged furniture. I was PRODUCTIVE!

After I had my sweet baby, all of that changed. My personality no longer fits into any neat box. I haven't made a list in ages. My house on any given day can range from mostly clean and neat to looking like a tornado blasted through it. I barely ever look in my closet, because all I need is a pair of sweatpants, a sports bra, and a tshirt on most days. I wake up whenever Luke decides it is time to wake up, which is now somewhere between 645 and 745. I get to the laundry when I get to it. My husband now does all the cooking. I text my friends to say hello when I get the chance or when I am nursing Luke to sleep and I have a few free minutes to use my phone.

I am not sure whether or not I would be on time to a function, because I don't have many functions to attend. Around the holidays, we did our best to show up within an hour of the time we planned on. I don't buy much other than groceries these days, which is due, in part, to the fact that neither Mike or I is working and so we are on a tight budget, and also to the fact that my child still refuses to ride in a carseat. (Not familiar with that bit of awesomeness? Here's a link to that story)

None of my furniture has moved since before Luke was born, which I know is very exciting for my husband. He hated that I was always moving things around. If  When I figure out how to move a couch with one arm while holding my baby in the other, the furniture will get rearranged. I wake up each day with desires, but they are just not the same as they used to be.

When my baby was born, my world changed. I am no longer only responsible for myself. I am responsible for this child, and his needs have come first since the day he was born. I am different. And on some days, I struggle with it. When things in my life seemed hectic or out of control before, I could stop what I was doing and go for a run. Or I could take a nap. Or sit on the deck and read a book with a glass of wine. And now, I can't do those things. Not easily anyways. Ok, I'm lying. I can't do any of those things. I haven't yet found a great sports bra to wear running with "nursing boobs." The only time I have to read is after Luke goes to bed and I manage to sneak away from him, and by that time, surely I can't sit on the deck because it is dark. And naps? Ha! I am lucky to fall asleep when L naps, but even then, he is nursing and if you have ever tried to take a nap while feeding a child, you know it just isn't that great of a nap. But now, my days aren't hectic or out of control. They are unstructured, but they are great. I'm raising a child.

Now my days consist of quickie showers, lots of babywearing, and singing and dancing to  "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes." I can build a mean tower out of wooden blocks, and my "choo choooooo" noise is totally realistic sounding. I have perfected the art of going to the bathroom as quickly as possible and shutting the toilet lid before Luke gets his fingers smashed. I can run down the basement steps, change the laundry, and get back up in under a minute. I know exactly the right temperature for running bath water, and I could cut up fruit and veggies into the perfect size for little fingers with my eyes closed.

My life is so much different now than it was before the world was blessed with my baby. My life now is SO much better. And I am more productive than I ever thought possible.