Changes

Before I had Luke, I was the typical Type A personality. I made lists, and I crossed things off as they were accomplished. I was organized. I was on time (I was early, usually). My closet was organized by color. I woke up and met each new day with a desire to accomplish as much as possible. I made phone calls. I went places. I bought things. I wrote emails. I sent texts and cards. I danced around the living room to country music. I kept in touch with all of my friends. I cooked, I cleaned and I rearranged furniture. I was PRODUCTIVE!

After I had my sweet baby, all of that changed. My personality no longer fits into any neat box. I haven't made a list in ages. My house on any given day can range from mostly clean and neat to looking like a tornado blasted through it. I barely ever look in my closet, because all I need is a pair of sweatpants, a sports bra, and a tshirt on most days. I wake up whenever Luke decides it is time to wake up, which is now somewhere between 645 and 745. I get to the laundry when I get to it. My husband now does all the cooking. I text my friends to say hello when I get the chance or when I am nursing Luke to sleep and I have a few free minutes to use my phone.

I am not sure whether or not I would be on time to a function, because I don't have many functions to attend. Around the holidays, we did our best to show up within an hour of the time we planned on. I don't buy much other than groceries these days, which is due, in part, to the fact that neither Mike or I is working and so we are on a tight budget, and also to the fact that my child still refuses to ride in a carseat. (Not familiar with that bit of awesomeness? Here's a link to that story)

None of my furniture has moved since before Luke was born, which I know is very exciting for my husband. He hated that I was always moving things around. If  When I figure out how to move a couch with one arm while holding my baby in the other, the furniture will get rearranged. I wake up each day with desires, but they are just not the same as they used to be.

When my baby was born, my world changed. I am no longer only responsible for myself. I am responsible for this child, and his needs have come first since the day he was born. I am different. And on some days, I struggle with it. When things in my life seemed hectic or out of control before, I could stop what I was doing and go for a run. Or I could take a nap. Or sit on the deck and read a book with a glass of wine. And now, I can't do those things. Not easily anyways. Ok, I'm lying. I can't do any of those things. I haven't yet found a great sports bra to wear running with "nursing boobs." The only time I have to read is after Luke goes to bed and I manage to sneak away from him, and by that time, surely I can't sit on the deck because it is dark. And naps? Ha! I am lucky to fall asleep when L naps, but even then, he is nursing and if you have ever tried to take a nap while feeding a child, you know it just isn't that great of a nap. But now, my days aren't hectic or out of control. They are unstructured, but they are great. I'm raising a child.

Now my days consist of quickie showers, lots of babywearing, and singing and dancing to  "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes." I can build a mean tower out of wooden blocks, and my "choo choooooo" noise is totally realistic sounding. I have perfected the art of going to the bathroom as quickly as possible and shutting the toilet lid before Luke gets his fingers smashed. I can run down the basement steps, change the laundry, and get back up in under a minute. I know exactly the right temperature for running bath water, and I could cut up fruit and veggies into the perfect size for little fingers with my eyes closed.

My life is so much different now than it was before the world was blessed with my baby. My life now is SO much better. And I am more productive than I ever thought possible.

One Happy Mama

I am thankful to be home with my child every day. I know everyone doesn't have this opportunity, and I tell myself on a daily basis that I am fortunate. I remind myself to remain present when I am with my child. I work hard not to let myself drift into Facebook land or become text message obsessed. These are the days of my life, really. I won't get any of them back. And if I don't take the time to enjoy my child now, I am setting myself up for some bad habits in the future.

I always said I didn't want to be a stay-at-home mom. For as long as I can remember, I said that once I had children, I would of course return to work full time, and part-time at a minimum. But the minute I laid eyes on my child, I started to doubt whether or not I could return to work. I just wanted to be with him NONSTOP!

I remind myself where I was a year ago. I was working for a large company that somehow managed to employ the largest number of bitchy, racist, stupid, ignorant, unhappy assholes EVER. I'm not kidding. The majority of people that I worked for and with sucked at life. I was able to make a few close friends there that kept me sane, but the majority of my days were spent wondering how I was going to make it until closing time.

Whenever Luke is having a hard time, or when my head hurts from not getting enough sleep, I remind myself how very lucky I am. I am able to stay at home full time with my baby, and there is absolutely nothing I would rather do than spend every possible minute with him, teaching him, guiding him, and watching him learn about life. I am one happy mama.

I Want

Children may not always do what we say, but they will always, always do what we do. ~ unknown

I want Luke to be honest. I have to ALWAYS tell him the truth. Luke needs to see me always being honest with others. No "white lies," no "just this time's," none of that. Just honesty. No matter if the topic makes me uncomfortable or not, I need Luke to know that without a doubt, I am being honest with him. Then he can learn to be honest with others.

I want Luke to be caring. I need to send cards to my friends for no particular reason. I need to hold the door open for strangers and talk with my neighbors when I am in a rush.I must listen to people. Really listen. Then Luke will understand what it means to be caring.

I want Luke to be gentle. Physically and emotionally. I need to be gentle not only with Luke, but with myself. I need to be gentle in my approach when I talk with him about a poor choice that he made. I need to respond gently to him when he says or does something that may push my motherly buttons. Because in me being gentle with Luke, he will learn to be gentle with others.

I want Luke to love animals. I believe that animals have every right to be on this earth, and so I must treat them lovingly at all times. By not eating beef, stepping on ants, squishing spiders on the wall or going fishing, I will teach Luke that animals are worthy and deserving of our love.

I want Luke to have a sense of humor. I need to laugh. A lot. I must take the time to listen to silly jokes and watch funny videos. I need to laugh often and deeply at life. By showing Luke how to laugh and be joyful, he will develop a sense of humor.

I want Luke to have positive self esteem. I need to hold myself in high regard. I need to tell myself that I am worthy and wonderful just the way I am. Loud enough for Luke to hear me. I need to appreciate my body, whatever it may look like on any given day. Because when Luke hears the message "I am beautiful and I am enough," he will learn to apply it to himself.

I want Luke to appreciate nature. I must make sure that I am spending as much time outdoors with him as possible. I must literally take time to "smell the roses" as often as I can. I need to take walks and have picnics. I need to be aware of flowers and clouds and trees and the seasons. By spending time outdoors experiencing all that nature has to offer, Luke will develop an appreciation for nature.

I want Luke to be loving. I must show him how to love, by expressing love to his daddy and to him and to people that I care about. Unconditionally, by listening to people and looking them in the eye and saying heartfelt, kind things to them. Luke will learn to be loving by seeing me express love.

I want a lot of things for my child, just as many other mothers do. I am hopeful that he will grow up to possess all of the qualities that I listed, and more. What I want the most for Luke, though, is to be who he was made to be. I want him to embrace himself and all that he has to offer. By supporting him and building his self esteem, I can help him to do just that.