Our Circumcision Decision

This is a touchy subject. But it is one that I feel very strongly about, and I believe that more people need to share their stories. Only in doing so, will Routine Infant Circumcision (RIC) become a topic that is not taboo, but rather than is discussed openly. And hopefully, I will live to see the day when it is not routine in this country. When it is talked about as a thing of the past. As a procedure that was barbaric. And as a procedure that took advantage of newborn boys who can only to rely on cries to communicate, but whose cries were not heard. Here is my story...

When we found out that we were having a boy, my mind flooded with thoughts about what he would look like, whose eyes he would have, what color hair would he get, and what kind of demeanor he would have. I thought about what we would do together, and what I would teach him about the world. I pictured breastfeeding him, and changing his diapers. I thought about bedtime stories and Christmas mornings. M and I talked about (almost daily) what we would name this new addition to our family. We read parenting books, and subscribed to parenting newsletters. We discussed discipline. We got the nursery ready. We were fully submerged in anxiously awaiting our little blue bundle of joy.

Until I was eight months pregnant, only once did we discuss our unborn son's penis. And that was on the day of the ultrasound that we found out he was a boy at 20 weeks. He very clearly presented himself that day, and we laughed about him having no modesty and letting us know that he was all boy! And then as I was watching birth videos one day, I came across a circumcision video. By accident. And something told me that I needed to watch it. So I did.....and my life changed. I am not being dramatic when I tell you that sitting at my kitchen table that day, watching a grainy video on YouTube of some nameless little boy getting circumcised, my life changed. I sat there silently, with tears streaming down my cheeks. I watched as this little baby was strapped to a table, and circumcised. I remember saying to my husband "I thought it was just two snips! That's what I was always told!"

It is definitely NOT two snips. It is a fairly detailed procedure in which the doctor has to cut the foreskin, peel it back, and then cut some more. There is blood involved. And pain. Of course the baby in the video screamed the entire time, this piercing, gut-wrenching cry. But it didn't matter. His parents decided that they wanted him circumcised, and that was that. The poor guy had no choice in the matter. That day, I told my husband there was no way I was putting my child through the procedure that I had just watched. I asked him to watch the video. And we watched a few more. And I told him that we clearly needed to make a decision about circumcision.

As I do with everything in my life, I threw myself into researching everything I could about circumcision. What is the purpose? What are the risks? What are the benefits? Does every country perform this surgery on newborn boys? What are the percentages of circumcised vs. non-circumcised boys? I was obsessed. I knew that I only had a few weeks before we would have to know what our decision was. And I honestly was shocked at what all of my research showed me.

 

Circumcision in the United States is big business! It is done routinely here, but not in any other country on earth. In fact, only in this country is there such a large percentage of circumcised males. Much of the rest of the world is intact.

We talked to our midwife about circumcising our baby. She said she didn't see a reason for it, and that her own sons were intact. I watched videos on the computer about it. There were more anti-circumcision videos than pro-circumcision. I read everything I could about it. Most of what I read stated that there is no medical reason for it. I was really starting to believe that RIC was something that wasn't necessary. And then I started asking people about it. I asked what people thought about it, or if they had their sons circumcised. And in talking with people, I got pretty much the same answer every time.
"Eew! Of course my son is circumcised! Uncircumcised penises are so gross and dirty!" or "Oh yes, you have to circumcise. You don't want him made fun of in the locker room."

I was so confused. I felt strongly after my research that circumcision is not necessary. Do intact men need to wash their penis a little differently than circumcised men? Yes. They probably need to spend an extra six seconds with the soap and water. But I knew that I would teach my son how to clean every part of his body, and that spending a few extra seconds washing himself surely wasn't a reason to remove his foreskin, right? I felt like if circumcision was so necessary, the American Association of Pediatrics (AAP) or the World Health Organization (WHO) would recommend it, right? They don't. The AAP policy is here. 

So all of my research told me that it was unnecessary, but all of my personal conversations made me feel like it was. I was torn. I presented all of my information to my husband, and he said he didn't really have a good reason why we should or shouldn't do it. He agreed with me that doing it "just because other people did it" was not a good enough reason. But we were unsure. I didn't know how we would be able to come to a decision.

As I sat one day late in my pregnancy thinking about it, I decided to make a list of the pros and cons. And I had a few (what I felt like were ) strong points both for and against it. I certainly did not want my son made fun of by anyone. But I also felt like there is a reason that all men are born with a foreskin. It has a purpose. It is not there by mistake. And then I wrote something down that was a game-changer. Out of nowhere, in the middle of my confusion, I scribbled a reason in the "against" column, and it was the last thing I wrote. I was done. I knew what we were going to do. I had made my mind up and I wasn't going back. All of my research and time spent on our circumcision decision had built up to this moment and I saw the Hallelujah chorus, telling me that what I had just written was the answer I was waiting for.

                                     "HE MIGHT NOT WANT TO BE CIRCUMCISED."

We spent so much time trying to make a decision, and we had never discussed the one fact that mattered most. It wasn't OUR decision to make. Our son would be born with a foreskin, just like every other baby boy is born. And whether or not that foreskin was forcibly, permanently removed wasn't our decision. It was his.

I told my husband that I had made a decision. And when I shared with him what I thought, he said he agreed. He said there was no argument that he could make (because at that point, he was still leaning towards wanting the baby circumcised) that would negate what I stated. We agreed that it would be the baby's decision what he wanted to do with his own body. And we felt great about it.

After Luke was born, I was prepared to have to stand up for our decision to the doctors and nurses. Luke was born in a holistic birthing center, in the water, and with no pain medicine. He also received no injections or vaccines of any kind. We never had to validate ourselves or try to explain our decision. One of the nurses asked if he would be circumcised, I said no, and that was the end of the discussion. We brought our baby home intact and whole. And we think he is perfect.

We plan to teach Luke how to care for his body. Washing an intact penis is no big deal...no different than the way girls have to wash themselves in the shower. A little soap and water in the right places will get the job done. All of the comments about infections and pain and it being "gross" are just nonsense to me. We have already begun to instill in Luke a sense of pride in himself and in his self-image. We will assure him that he is perfect the way that he is, and we will never try to change him in any way. We also plan to raise Luke to have the ability to speak up for what he wants and what he believes in. And we are aware that some day, he may decide that he would like to be circumcised. If that is what our son decides that he would like to do to his body, I have NO problem with that whatsoever. As his parents, we will totally and fully support him in whatever decision he makes for his own body. It never was our place to make a circumcision decision for him anyways.

Our Family Bed

From the minute Luke was born, he all but refused to sleep on his back. Literally the minute he was cleaned, swaddled and put on his back in the bassinet at the hospital, he started to cry. When we would pick him up and hold him, he was fine. Lay him on his back...tears. Ok, so we have a belly sleeper. No big deal other than that you are made to believe that if you put your baby on his belly, he will surely die from SIDS. So we were conflicted. He wouldn't nap or sleep on his back. So we ended up either holding him for every nap or trying to prop him on his side. Didn't make for awesome naptimes. And that brings me to nighttime.

I thought we would bring the baby home from the hospital, rock him to sleep at night, and put him in his crib (to sleep on the 300 dollar organic, chemical-free mattress we bought him.) He would sleep there for a few hours, wake up and need to eat, and then go back to sleep until morning. WRONG AGAIN. L to this day has never slept in his crib. Not once. Oh, we tried, don't get me wrong. We tried ALL night the first night he was home. He wasn't having it. After nursing him, I would rock him, then put him in his crib. I would tiptoe back to bed, fall asleep immediately, and after 15 minutes, he would wake up crying. I had to get up and start the whole process over again. I was exhausted. We were exhausted. Since we flat-out reject the Cry-It-Out method as a way of getting our baby to sleep, we didn't know what to do. The second night, we tried laying him down in the bassinet next to our bed. On his side. Nope. On his back. Nope. Sleep-deprived and desperate, I layed him in our bed, between us. He fell asleep and stayed that way for two hours. Two glorious hours!

The next morning, I started my journey onto researching alternative sleeping arrangements. I learned that there were two terms. One was co-sleeping, which meant that you share a room with the baby, basically. Baby might be in his or her crib, but the crib is in your room. Or the baby might be in a bassinet or a cradle, but you are sleeping in the same room. The other term was bed-sharing, which is obviously sharing the same bed with your baby. I spent hours reading everything I could about bed-sharing. I watched videos, listened to podcasts, and read articles about the pros and cons. And my eyes were opened to an entirely new way of thinking about a topic that I had only heard negative things about in the past. All I knew before was that it was dangerous because you could roll onto your baby and kill them. Mainstream media will have you believe that babies must be taught to sleep in a room away from their parents. That they need to learn as soon as possible that they sleep in their crib by themselves. However, this goes against scientific research. Believe it or not, babies are actually hard-wired to sleep by their parents!



Let's pretend we are back in cavemen times (I am fully aware that we are not). But during those times, babies needed to be quiet at night because they did not want to attract predators. They needed to stay close to their parents because if they didn't, they would be eaten by wild animals! Well babies nowadays, although we have matured and evolved, still have the same instincts. It's no secret that most babies sleep better next to their parents in the early months than by themselves. They are designed that way. It all makes so much sense.

Mike and I talked about it. Were we ok with having a baby in bed with us? Yep. Did we think we could roll over onto him and suffocate him? Not a chance. Anyone who has a newborn knows that sleep in those early days, weeks and months is not the same as the sleep you are used to having. Your body becomes attuned to every noise baby makes. You literally almost sleep with one eye open. And unless you are drunk, on drugs, or massively overweight to the point that you can't feel certain parts of your body, I have no idea how you could roll onto your child and crush them without knowing it. Did we feel like having a baby in bed would interrupt our "couple time?" Maybe, but in all honesty, we have been together for seven years. We are past the spooning phase. We are past the falling asleep in eachothers arms phase. We JUST had a baby and between being exhausted, bleeding, having stitches and being covered in spit-up, there certainly wasn't any x-rated activity going on in the bed. So there really wasn't anything stopping us from having L sleep with us. We decided we would try it. And we have been bed-sharing ever since.

Luke is not much of a sleeper, but he certainly sleeps FAR better in our bed than he would in his crib. I can easily nurse him when he needs to eat without having to get out of bed. And if he startles or fusses, we are right there to calm him before it escalates. I know the critics say "oh, if you let baby sleep in your bed you will spoil them," or "baby will never want to sleep in their own bed," but I think those arguments are ridiculous. We believe that a baby cannot be spoiled. We want Luke to know that we are there to soothe him whenever he needs it, day or night. And I don't know any teenagers that are still sharing a bed with their parents. So clearly, at some point, the child will not be in our bed anymore. Until that time comes, we are bed-sharing and proud of it! I learned so much through all of my research. I am positive that all three of us sleep far better together than we do apart. And although I would have never ever believed that we would be sharing our bed with our baby, I am so glad we are.

For more information, you can read a great article about cosleeping here.

Elimination Communication Makes Me Happy

We made the decision before Luke was born that we would practice Elimination Communciation with him. For those of you who do not know what Elimination Communication is, you can read about it here. Anyways, we have been offering him his potty since the day we brought him home from the hospital. And he uses it! About half of his pees/poos are on the potty every day, and on a good day that we are very tuned in to one another, I can catch most of his pees and poos. This makes a big difference in the amount of diapers we are using, and since he is cloth diapered, it directly affects the amount of laundry I am doing.

However, we are not practicing EC to cut down on laundry. We are doing it because we believe that Luke has a right to eliminate in a place other than his own diaper. We realize that babies are born knowing how to signal that they need to eliminate. And we are fostering that by allowing him the chance to use a potty instead of teaching him to use his diaper. Some days he loves his potty. And some days he hates it. And that is ok. We offer him the potty and if he uses it, great, and if not, that's ok too.                                                            

EC is not infant potty training. Our child doesn't get rewards for using the potty, and he certainly is not punished for not using it. We are simply teaching him that there is an option for where he can eliminate. I find diapers to be disgusting. How gross is it to have to sit in your own pee or poop!? Babies who are EC'ed generally are diaper-free way before age two. These children are not taught to eliminate in a diaper, and therefore do not have to "unlearn" that behavior. They simply learn where they are supposed to go! If you think about it, our society ignore the cues that infants give us for elimination, thereby teaching children that they should soil their diapers. And then at the tender age of two or three, when children are just figuring out how the world around them works, we are trying to reverse what they have learned about where to eliminate! It doesn't make sense.

The diaper business is just that. A business. Big business. And the diaper companies want you to believe that children in our country (no other country in the world is as reliant on diapers as ours) NEED to be in diapers for years and years. And we buy into it! One of the men who has been most vocal about saying that children should not be forced in to using a potty, and that they will use it only when they are ready, is pediatrician T. Berry Brazelton. He is considered to be an expert in the world of diapering, but get this! He is also a consultant for Pampers. Coincidence? I think not.

In 1957, 92 percent of children were potty trained by age 18 months. In 2004, less than 25 percent of children were trained by that same age, and in fact 40 percent of children were still not potty trained at age three! What gives? Money, my friends. Money. Pampers pays Mr. Brazelton to make a blanket statement that children need to stay in diapers until they "are ready" to use a potty, and in turn, uneducated people keep right on buying the diapers and letting their children soil themselves until they are three or four or older, which puts millions and millions of dollars in the pockets of the diaper companies. The truth is that children are born knowing when they need to eliminate, and we as parents need to tune in to their cues and give them a place to do so.

Elimination Communication is a lot of work. It really is. Luke's cue is typically a short, high pitched whine. But I don't always know if his whine is because he needs to go, or if it's for something else. It's not a sure thing. But if my child is able and trying to communicate to me when he has to eliminate, and I ignore him, I don't feel I am doing my best as a parent. Do I catch all of his pees and poos? Absolutely not. Some days I barely catch any at all. But we are learning this together, and anytime we catch anything in the potty, that's one less time he has to soil himself. And that makes us both happy.

I Believe...

I want to make clear what my beliefs are as they relate to parenting. I do not know all there is to know about parenting my child, and I definitely don't know anything about how to raise anyone else's child. But I am slowly yet surely becoming an expert on my baby and his needs. I spend A LOT of time reading and researching various topics. I cannot stand the thought of "going with the flow" just because someone tells me that's what I should do. As a result, I have drastically transformed my viewpoints on many of these topics over the past year. I am going to state my beliefs so that it is clear what I stand for, what I advocate for, and what you can expect to learn about in future blog posts.

I believe that every child has the right to breastmilk, either their mother's or that of a donor. I believe that every child has the right to breastfeed on demand. Not on a schedule that is given to them to make life more convenient for their parents. From as early as I can remember, I have eaten when I was hungry. Not when someone told me I was allowed to eat. I believe babies have that same right.

I believe children have the right to decide for themselves when they are done breastfeeding. I believe that children should be exclusively breastfed for at least the first six months of life, and for however long after that they choose. Breastmilk is the optimal nutrition for babies and toddlers, and they should have the opportunity to be nourished in the way that nature intended for as long as they wish. Convenient for mom? Not necessarily. Healthy for baby? Absolutely.

I believe that diaper companies are evil. Possibly among the most evil there is. These companies make diapers that touch the soft skin on our babies' bottoms, and they pack them with chemicals and perfumes and all kinds of carcinogens. The diaper copmpanies don't give a damn about what happens to babies' skin...they are solely concerned with how absorbent they can make these horrid things.

I believe babies that are put in diapers have a right to be put in cloth diapers that are gentle on their skin.

I believe that babies have a right to not be forced to learn to soil themselves and then sit in it until someone decides they can be given a clean diaper. The thought makes me sick. Babies are born knowing how to communicate that they need to eliminate. They may not have words, but they are able to give a signal just as they do when they are hungry or tired or lonely. Unfortunately in America, the diaper companies have convinced us that children need diapers for the first two, three, four or even five years of their lives. Disgusting. I believe that babies have a right to eliminate in a potty from birth.

I believe that any form of the Cry It Out method is both physical and emotional abuse. Babies cry when they need something. Ignoring those cries is torture.

I believe that any form of physical punishment is both physical and emotional abuse.

I believe that routine infant circumcision (RIC) is wrong and violates the rights of babies. Our culture has been victimized by misinformation on the topic. There is a reason that of the Industrialized Western Nations, the US is the only country with a for-profit medical system and also the only country where routine infant circumcisions are still performed. Is it coincidence? Nope. It's all about money. You can count on it.

I believe that babies have a right to be held. A lot. Strollers and saucers and bouncy chairs and pack-n-plays are convenient, but they are not necessary for a baby.

I believe babies are born to sleep with their mothers. This dates back to our early ancestors. It's an instinct. Why do you think all children sleep better when they are in bed with their parents? They are hard-wired to do that. Forcing them to sleep in a dark room by themselves or sleep training them goes against what nature intended and I believe it is abusive.

I believe that the Center for Disease Control's vaccination schedule is both dangerous and harmful to our babies. The lack of research on the effects of these vaccines is alarming. I believe that babies have the right to be kept safe by their parents and their doctors. Vaccines are not safe or necessary.

I believe it is impossible to spoil a baby, and I believe it is impossible for a baby to be manipulative. Their wants are their needs.

I believe all babies have a right to a natural birth. I believe that babies born with medical interventions (epidurals, ceseareans, etc.) are at risk for health problems. While I recognize that certain medical intervention is sometimes necessary, it has gotten WAY out of control in this country. A woman's body was made to give birth. The number of pain medications that are made available and are used is alarming.

I believe that all women have a right to breastfeed whenever, wherever and however they choose.

I believe that parents trust their doctors WAY too much. There's a reason it is called "practicing medicine."

I believe that every woman is enough for her child. I believe that women should trust their instincts instead of reading all of the garbage literature that is put out by medical entities and the media. I believe that babies are the ones who suffer when we fail to do research and instead, listen to what the media tells us we should do with our children.

I believe that pacifiers are unnecessary and put distance between us and our children, along with causing a child's mouth to form inappropriately.

I believe that babies and toddlers have no place in front of a television. Their brains are not developed enough to understand the rapid changes in color and light. While a TV may hold your child's attention, it is not healthy at all.

I believe in baby-led weaning. I believe that children are able to choose for themselves what and how much food they want to eat, while being supervised by their parents. I believe that force-feeding a child some pureed vegetable or fruit on a spoon leads to problems with obesity later in life. I believe that baby food companies are just another societal moneymaker.

I believe that babies and toddlers cannot self-soothe and need their parents to help them with whatever it is they need.

I believe that I still have a lot to learn. This list is not exhaustive, it is simply what I thought of off the top of my head. I know you may not all agree with my beliefs, and that is ok. I will continue to expand my beliefs, and I will share them with you in the future.

First things first...

First things first...

Ok so here it is! My first blog post EVER. I have been thinking about starting a blog for awhile...years in fact. But I always had some excuse not to do it. I didn't know where to start, I didn't think anyone would want to read it, I didn't have the time, blah blah blah. Finally, I am at the point that my brain feels likely to explode, and that is either from a lack of sleep or because I have so many things to say that I just MUST get them all out in a blog. (I am sure it is a little of both.)
So I have decided to start a blog when I have less free time in my life than I have ever had. My four-and-a half month old son takes up ALL of my time and I wouldn't have it any other way (but I will get into more about that, later). And since I love a good challenge, I figured I would start this blog now and compete with myself to see when I can actually find time to post! As far as not knowing how to start...I think I have figured out the basics, but I am sure there will be some changes along the way as I figure this out a little better.
Hopefully, all of the craziness that you will find in this blog will enlighten, empower, and at the very least, entertain you! Enjoy, and I'm glad you are here!