When we found out that we were having a boy, my mind flooded with thoughts about what he would look like, whose eyes he would have, what color hair would he get, and what kind of demeanor he would have. I thought about what we would do together, and what I would teach him about the world. I pictured breastfeeding him, and changing his diapers. I thought about bedtime stories and Christmas mornings. M and I talked about (almost daily) what we would name this new addition to our family. We read parenting books, and subscribed to parenting newsletters. We discussed discipline. We got the nursery ready. We were fully submerged in anxiously awaiting our little blue bundle of joy.
Until I was eight months pregnant, only once did we discuss our unborn son's penis. And that was on the day of the ultrasound that we found out he was a boy at 20 weeks. He very clearly presented himself that day, and we laughed about him having no modesty and letting us know that he was all boy! And then as I was watching birth videos one day, I came across a circumcision video. By accident. And something told me that I needed to watch it. So I did.....and my life changed. I am not being dramatic when I tell you that sitting at my kitchen table that day, watching a grainy video on YouTube of some nameless little boy getting circumcised, my life changed. I sat there silently, with tears streaming down my cheeks. I watched as this little baby was strapped to a table, and circumcised. I remember saying to my husband "I thought it was just two snips! That's what I was always told!"
It is definitely NOT two snips. It is a fairly detailed procedure in which the doctor has to cut the foreskin, peel it back, and then cut some more. There is blood involved. And pain. Of course the baby in the video screamed the entire time, this piercing, gut-wrenching cry. But it didn't matter. His parents decided that they wanted him circumcised, and that was that. The poor guy had no choice in the matter. That day, I told my husband there was no way I was putting my child through the procedure that I had just watched. I asked him to watch the video. And we watched a few more. And I told him that we clearly needed to make a decision about circumcision.
As I do with everything in my life, I threw myself into researching everything I could about circumcision. What is the purpose? What are the risks? What are the benefits? Does every country perform this surgery on newborn boys? What are the percentages of circumcised vs. non-circumcised boys? I was obsessed. I knew that I only had a few weeks before we would have to know what our decision was. And I honestly was shocked at what all of my research showed me.
We talked to our midwife about circumcising our baby. She said she didn't see a reason for it, and that her own sons were intact. I watched videos on the computer about it. There were more anti-circumcision videos than pro-circumcision. I read everything I could about it. Most of what I read stated that there is no medical reason for it. I was really starting to believe that RIC was something that wasn't necessary. And then I started asking people about it. I asked what people thought about it, or if they had their sons circumcised. And in talking with people, I got pretty much the same answer every time.
"Eew! Of course my son is circumcised! Uncircumcised penises are so gross and dirty!" or "Oh yes, you have to circumcise. You don't want him made fun of in the locker room."
I was so confused. I felt strongly after my research that circumcision is not necessary. Do intact men need to wash their penis a little differently than circumcised men? Yes. They probably need to spend an extra six seconds with the soap and water. But I knew that I would teach my son how to clean every part of his body, and that spending a few extra seconds washing himself surely wasn't a reason to remove his foreskin, right? I felt like if circumcision was so necessary, the American Association of Pediatrics (AAP) or the World Health Organization (WHO) would recommend it, right? They don't. The AAP policy is here.
So all of my research told me that it was unnecessary, but all of my personal conversations made me feel like it was. I was torn. I presented all of my information to my husband, and he said he didn't really have a good reason why we should or shouldn't do it. He agreed with me that doing it "just because other people did it" was not a good enough reason. But we were unsure. I didn't know how we would be able to come to a decision.
As I sat one day late in my pregnancy thinking about it, I decided to make a list of the pros and cons. And I had a few (what I felt like were ) strong points both for and against it. I certainly did not want my son made fun of by anyone. But I also felt like there is a reason that all men are born with a foreskin. It has a purpose. It is not there by mistake. And then I wrote something down that was a game-changer. Out of nowhere, in the middle of my confusion, I scribbled a reason in the "against" column, and it was the last thing I wrote. I was done. I knew what we were going to do. I had made my mind up and I wasn't going back. All of my research and time spent on our circumcision decision had built up to this moment and I saw the Hallelujah chorus, telling me that what I had just written was the answer I was waiting for.
"HE MIGHT NOT WANT TO BE CIRCUMCISED."
We spent so much time trying to make a decision, and we had never discussed the one fact that mattered most. It wasn't OUR decision to make. Our son would be born with a foreskin, just like every other baby boy is born. And whether or not that foreskin was forcibly, permanently removed wasn't our decision. It was his.
I told my husband that I had made a decision. And when I shared with him what I thought, he said he agreed. He said there was no argument that he could make (because at that point, he was still leaning towards wanting the baby circumcised) that would negate what I stated. We agreed that it would be the baby's decision what he wanted to do with his own body. And we felt great about it.
After Luke was born, I was prepared to have to stand up for our decision to the doctors and nurses. Luke was born in a holistic birthing center, in the water, and with no pain medicine. He also received no injections or vaccines of any kind. We never had to validate ourselves or try to explain our decision. One of the nurses asked if he would be circumcised, I said no, and that was the end of the discussion. We brought our baby home intact and whole. And we think he is perfect.
We plan to teach Luke how to care for his body. Washing an intact penis is no big deal...no different than the way girls have to wash themselves in the shower. A little soap and water in the right places will get the job done. All of the comments about infections and pain and it being "gross" are just nonsense to me. We have already begun to instill in Luke a sense of pride in himself and in his self-image. We will assure him that he is perfect the way that he is, and we will never try to change him in any way. We also plan to raise Luke to have the ability to speak up for what he wants and what he believes in. And we are aware that some day, he may decide that he would like to be circumcised. If that is what our son decides that he would like to do to his body, I have NO problem with that whatsoever. As his parents, we will totally and fully support him in whatever decision he makes for his own body. It never was our place to make a circumcision decision for him anyways.
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